McClellan’s Mortification History’s Infamous Contradictions — Dr. Gary Straub. — Late Winter— 2025
This War Story of General McClellan’s stunning goof-up MAY smell like a legend. Sadly, its true! It’s look-up-able. History hides incredible ironies. I’m just trying to say: can’t nobody just make this sorta stuff up!
Dead of winter, 1862. Lincoln orders General McClellan (Little Mac) to chase General Lee south into Virginia; then press further to capture the Confederate capitol of Richmond. The fall of this proud Southern stronghold would shorten the war by years! Abe’s strategy has all the makings of a serious game—changer.
*However….for McClellan’s plan to work, he needed to rebuild the bridge which retreating Rebs burned at Harper’s Ferry. Then he could cross the river with his army intact, supply lines well stocked, plus artillery ammunition aplenty. Since Mac graduated from West Point with an engineering degree, problem-solving was his genius.
*However…communicating was not! The General designed & built a huge fleet of sturdy boats, then floated them south toward Virginia via a narrow canal running parallel to the Potomac. His plan: lash the boats together, lay long timbers atop them to create a pontoon bridge. Genius! Look out Lee—Little Mac is on the attack!
*However… When time came to maneuver his pontoon boats from canal to river, Little Mac’s engineering brilliance became bad ju-ju! Every single boat he specifically designed for this battle was manufactured too wide to fit the narrow transfer lock connecting canal to river. Too wide by 6 inches. Talk about best laid plans!
*However… Mac’s plans weren’t the only thing smoking— Ol’ Abe was smoking mad! Speechless! Stunned into utter silence. Lincoln’s Cabinet employed colorful cuss words trying to empathize & alleviate the President’s profound pain. Ordinarily, their invective could easily cover Presidential outrage; but Abe entrusted the Grand Army of the Potomac to an arrogant buffoon who, despite delay, would not now could not cross it!
*However… the application of colorful language did not comfort Lincoln, who was heart-sick and distressed of soul. Abe had to publicly own up to Mac’s colossal blunder. Fact: Little Mac had once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
*However, Mac broke the golden rule of every apprentice carpenter: “measure twice—cut once!” Mac only measured once! This is the only time people ever saw Abe fully apoplectic! The President was utterly beside himself. In his earnest efforts to shorten the war, Lincoln deferred to the military opinions of this haughty, hot-shot, pip-squeak General Mac. Adding further insult to injury, Abe endured Mac’s rude treatment and disrespect even while inventing public excuses to cover Mac’s failure to engage the enemy. By dawdling and delaying, Mac came up short in the win column—again! Mac effectively avoided conflict by launching a full flotilla of excellent excuses.
To make a short story longer, the impeccably educated and brilliant strategist Union General Mac got his military career cut short… by about six inches!!!